Thursday, April 5, 2001, mid morning. Tanya and I set out on our annual pilgrimage to Dollywood. Eager to dive into the thick of things, culinarily speaking, we stop at a local Dunkin' Donuts. Dunkin' Donuts has delicious coffee (it's the only kind my grandma will drink) and we need to stay alert for the perilous drive down the Blue Ridge Parkway so we both have a cup. But after that we part ways, each choosing a different route down the path to donut-induced nausea. Tanya opts for a fairly standard chocolate donut but then throws a twist into things by choosing a coconut donut as her second breakfast treat. Personally, I prefer traditional, American, non-tropical donuts, and besides, if I wanted a Mounds Bar I'd just eat one, so I stick with a chocolate glazed donut and a sugar donut. Onwards to lunch! Oh yeah, and to Tennessee.

Having successfully traversed the Blue Ridge Mountains, Tanya and I stop at a Taco Bell for a mid-day refueling session. Lewis and Clark we ain't. Santa Fe style Chicken Gorditas are enjoyed by all, and Tanya also has a Chicken Fiesta Burrito. My drink of choice is Dr. Pepper and Tanya has Diet Pepsi because you know, after two Taco Bell burritos, avoiding that extra 100 calories really makes a difference. [I like the TASTE of diet soda, it's obviously not for the calories, a der - Tanya]

Once into Tennessee, Tanya and I reward ourselves for making it almost three hours without eating by stopping at a Baskin Robbins. Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream all around. I have a double, Tanya a single.

After arriving safely in Pigeon Forge and checking into our Villa Deluxe at the local Laurel Crest Resort, it's off to nearby Gatlinburg to enjoy dinner at one of our most favorite restaurants, Calhoun's. Calhoun's is a big, family-style place with large dining rooms, large tables, large meals, large beverages, and large refills, yeah! We know from experience that Chicken Calhoun is scrumptious, so we both order it. It comes with rice and broccoli and ours also comes with fried green tomatoes, but that's because we order them, as an appetizer. Woops. We were just like those people in that movie, Fried Green Tomatoes. In addition, I have lemonade and Tanya has beer.

Friday, April 6, 2001, mid morning. Pigeon Forge has to have more pancake houses per capita than any other place in the world. We pick one that seems appealing. And boy was it! Besides featuring a gift shop stocked with Beanie Babies, Smokey Mountain magnets personalized with YOUR name, and various other Tennessee mountain relics, it has a convenient "point to the breakfast you want" placemat-style menu. I get french toast covered with powdered sugar and cinnamon, coffee, and OJ. Tanya has blueberry waffles, coffee, and OJ. As we are paying our bill the cashier asks us if we are in town to enjoy some hiking in the mountains. It's cool that some people actually think we look athletic.

Sometimes when you're traveling in a foreign land it's nice to do something familiar, to have some of the comforts of home. Thank God for Taco Bell, a shining, glorious, Mehican oasis in a desert of all you can eat fried catfish buffets. For lunch we enjoy a round of Santa Fe Chicken Gorditas and sweet tea. Tanya also has a Grilled Stuf't Chicken Burrito.

Later in the day, feeling a bit peeked, I enjoy an additional sweet tea refreshment.

Saturday, April 7, 2001, mid morning. Tanya and I were so impressed by our breakfast on Friday (see above) that we return to the pancake house for a second day. And guess what! The staff remembers us! Once again, they inquire as to the nature of our business in Pigeon Forge. I guess it's just hard for some people to conceive of the fact that young people as hip as we are would come all the way to Pigeon Forge for the annual Dollywood grand opening. I stick with my old favorite, french toast covered with powdered sugar and cinnamon, coffee, and OJ. Tanya has apple pancakes with apple compote and whipped topping, coffee, and OJ.

Later in the day Tanya and I enjoy a Dollywood lunch of grilled corn and delicious, life-giving water.

Now here's where it gets weird. When Tanya and I were in college in Poughkeepsie, NY, we would sometimes go to the Poughkeepsie Galleria Mall, and in the Poughkeepsie Galleria Mall we would encounter something that neither of us had ever seen outside of the Poughkeepsie Galleria Mall: Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future. And you might ask yourself "will there really be an ice cream of the future, what with global warming and the seemingly unstoppable epidemic of lactose intolerance?" And you might ask yourself "if the future consists of alarming, seemingly non-dairy based, rabbit poo-like pellets of 'ice cream' that kind of burns when you eat it, rather than the creamy, delicious, 'old-fashioned' ice cream that we have today, should I just kill myself now?" This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife! Point being, Tanya and I are amazed to discover that Dippin' Dots ice cream carts are all over Dollywood. Unfortunately for me, Dolly Parton was not all over the Poughkeepsie Galleria Mall. Tanya and I, Mint Chocolate Chip Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future, one cup.

Now friends, faithful readers, it might seem to you that Tanya and I have by this point enjoyed all the culinary delights that Pigeon Forge could possibly have to offer, but the truth is, we hadn't even begun. There's a saying around that part of the country and it goes a little something like this: "Dixie Stampede, the Smokies most fun place to eat, she guarantees it!" Words fail me here, so forgive me if I quote from the Dixie Stampede website: "Welcome to Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede Dinner & Show where you'll feast on a mouth watering four-course meal while witnessing a spectacular 32-horse show themed in a friendly North/South rivalry. There is plenty of new fun this season plus the great trick riding, buckboard racing, ostrich races and wholesome comedy you'll love in our huge 35,000 square foot arena." Tanya and I each dined on a tender whole rotisserie chicken, Dixie Stampede's original creamy vegetable soup, a delicious home-made biscuit, hot buttered corn on the cob, an herb-basted potato, Dixie's very own specialty desert (an apple turnover), unlimited tea, Pepsi, or coffee, and a non-alcoholic fruity drink served in a collectable boot-shaped plastic mug. Take it from me, you haven't lived until you've had Johnny Reb plop a whole chicken down in front of you, ready for you to consume sans silver ware.

There's no way anything can compare to the unbelievably delicious, overwhelmingly filling, incredibly classy, ambiance-filled dining experience that is the Dixie Stampede, so I'll end my story without a detailed description of the snack Tanya and I enjoyed as we left Pigeon Forge and drove the long way home. Simply put: Cooler Ranch Doritos and Diet Coke.